The morning of November 12, 2013 is one that I used to tried to block a thousand times from my mind. Little did I know that on that day my heart would be both broken yet my lost soul would become free. I would begin to walk out of the darkness that kept me separated from God and others for thirteen years. I would finally walk into the light.
It was very early and I felt my son greet me with a “Good Morning” kick. I was 26 weeks pregnant. Little did I know that would be the last kick I felt from him. It was the last time I spoke to him on this earth as I cradled him in my womb, safe from harm.
Later that morning I felt a gush and thought my water was broken. My doctor urged me to come in right away. She checked the fluid levels and all looked good. Then I saw her face fall still. She moved the wand repeatedly over my belly. She paused and her eyes closed as she took a really big breath. That was the moment my life changed forever…
My son, Joseph Michael Gibson was born into heaven, to be with Our Lord. Joey died. Died. I could not let those words cross my lips as searing pain tore my heart open. I shouted out to God, “Why?” But there was no answer…
What I realized was that I stopped having answers at the tender age of sixteen when I was raped and my innocence was taken from me against my will. This trauma shut my soul down and I felt ashamed. There were times I could hardly breathe when I thought of that dark moment. In college, panic attacks began to rule my life. My soul begged for me to pay attention to the pain and anger, but I didn’t. I turned off God’s voice in my spirit; the light inside me was dim. I stopped feeling anything. I carried on going to school, working, interning, growing independent and exploring the wonderful city of Boston.
How was God going to shine his almighty light back into my closed up heart? I did not trust any man nor did I want a relationship. I was on a path leading nowhere as far as dating was concerned until May 5, 2005 when I met my husband Jason. To my surprise, we hit it off right away. We were inseparable and the love, oh the love! It was powerful and so right. Jason helped me to open my heart to human love and I began to awaken a little. Then one day we stared unbelievably at a positive pregnancy test. We were excited and nine months later, the powerful soul of my first child, Lillian, was born. She was sent by God and my heart open more at a new kind of love. Maternal love. Birthing Lillian grounded me as solidly as the earth grounds the plants. This tiny infant helped me to pause, to breathe, and to calm my restless mind and heart. Jason’s love and motherly love gave me hope…enough to see more clearly what I was missing and my healing began. Yet, I was still unable to forgive the person who assaulted me. The memories continued to haunt me.
• The spirit of a child chooses to be born through you for a reason. Your children’s souls are divinely chosen for you to bring your own spirit to a powerful level of growth and healing.
• Pain separates us from God which is the true meaning of sin.
• Death and grief from loss breaks your heart open and holds the potential to bring you closer to God.
• It is only when we are empty, that we can truly receive love.
• When our heart breaks open, forgiveness and healing begins.
Joey’s purpose was to break my heart open to God’s unconditional love and forgiveness. My first child, Lillian, was sent from God to ground me and years later she helped me through Joey’s death along with their father. Lilly filled my empty arms with her presence and held my hand and her sweet ways and humor made me smile through my tears. My sweet daughter helped to bridge the gap as Spirit drew me into God’s arms. I had been so angry at God, life and myself. What I had yet to discover was that anger separated me from love of myself and God. My heart broke open the day his spirit left my womb.
Healing is not easy. At first I felt numb, almost like the darkness created a hole in my heart. I was empty. For months I was silent, ignoring the divine signs from above feverishly showing me everything was going to be okay again and to trust.
Finally, through a dream, God showed me that my third baby was on the way. I saw my daughter Layla, who was waiting to be born and I felt God’s love. I knew I could trust God with all my anger. When I awakened, I let go of the darkness and allowed my heart to feel the pain and anger toward the man who raped me. I allowed myself to FEEL all of it as I sobbed uncontrollably. Every tear shed my shame and anger and replaced it with God’s love and forgiveness. I was no longer separated, but embraced by immense love. I knew then that I had to forgive this man too. This was the beginning of recovery from the losses in my life and toward spiritual growth. Love truly heals all things. I can now say that,
He taught me a new kind of love. My son. My angel above.
On March 25, 2015, Layla Donna Gibson was born – my little warrior. My incredible rainbow miracle. God’s miracle!
Peace and Love,
Owner, Healthy Mom Happy Baby LLC
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